Something is Wrong With Me

A few minutes ago, my wife and I finally had a conversation today after a few days of silence.

It didn't go well.

I have a problem. And in no uncertain terms she dropped a number of truth bombs that made me reevaluate my entire life, purpose and identity. She talked about all the pain I've made her go through, and how cruel I've been to her our entire relationship. Cruel is a word that was tough for me to swallow. I never intentionally tortured her. I never plotted or planned in causing her any pain. In fact, the opposite is probably true... I did everything I thought best to protect her from pain, including keeping secrets and hiding things from her. But most importantly I also never cared for her.  I mean, I loved her.. absolutely, in the way that I thought was love.  But it's true, I never cared for her in a way another human being should care for another. And with her being my wife, that's cruel.

My wife had a health scare and has been in and out of the doctor's getting evaluated. Not once after those evaluations  did I ever check with her on how they went. In fact, I should have been in those evaluations with her to support her.  I have no excuse, other than the severity or importance of the appointments never worked their way into my heart. Or maybe they did, but as I said before, my heart and mind don't communicate. And when the heart and mind don't communicate you lose compassion and caring.

And it's not just her. I seem to block any and every bit of pain other people experience. I don't check in with my aging dad or mom when they have health problems. My brother has been going through depression and stress causing him to take months off work, and now you know as much about it as I do. I have a friend who has recently also gone through a lot of pain and transition in her life, and I never followed up. Another friend has moved several times, and I never find out until months after their move.  I just can't seem to care.

I struggle lots with emotion, and I tie a lot of that to my addiction. But after the painful conversation with my wife, what if this is just the way I am? What if I have recovery from addiction and I find out I'm still uncaring? What if I'm a sociopath and am incapable of caring for someone... Ever?

That led me into a spiral of thoughts that just ruined me this evening.

Being a good person has always been important to me. It's a core part of my identity. It's a success factor in this short life and I consider it to be pretty much the minimum bar for the clichéd deathbed reflection... "Well, I might not have made millions of left a lasting legacy, etc... But at least I was a good person. (Dies)"

Every night I recite a prayer for my eldest son... Part of which is:
"We pray that you grow in kindness and bravery, treasuring truth, loving others and doing good, even when it's hard."
Doing good is something so important to me, I want to instill that philosophy into every fiber of his being.

I always thought of myself as a good person. What is a good person? Well, I obey the law always. I never jaywalk. I get disgusted when I see something block an emergency exit. I follow rules. I've never hit anybody in my life. I open doors for everybody. I am generous with money and, whenever possible, my time. I even believe you can be an addict and still be a good person. Obviously, I'm a horrible, stupid piece of shit to my wife and family because of all this, but I'm not beyond redemption and if I work towards change and recovery I can still become a good person, right?

But what if I am incapable of caring for anybody, including people I love? What if I overcome my addiction and still am utterly incapable of empathizing with people? What if it isn't possible be a good person if you don't care about people?

It's true. You can't be a good person if you don't care for others. It doesn't matter what else you do, if you don't care, you're just not a good person.

So I guess I'm not a good person, and it's hard to say whether or not I ever will be. And I'm not saying that in a self-pity kind of way where I'm looking for sympathy from anybody.  It's just a logical conclusion. I'm cruel. I'm uncaring. I'm very likely faulty from day one. I don't have much to say for my deathbed reflection.

I'm not the person I thought I was.