Last night, on December 28, 2019, my wife of 13 years said that we were getting a divorce.
Even though I half expected it, I'm still reeling. It's something I never thought would happen in my life and the words that were spoken I never thought would come out of somebody I still love so dearly. We have two young children, ages 3 and 5, and their lives will be turned upside-down in the near future. It's the most gut-wrenching feeling knowing that their lives won't turn out the way either of us had planned, and at such an early age.
I bear all responsibility for the upcoming ending of our marriage. I have an unspoken addiction that has consumed my life, my thoughts, my emotions, my mind and my soul. My wife has known about the addiction for some time, and even though I have had periods of sobriety in the past, my failures have caused a complete and irreparable destruction of any trust that my wife has had, and could ever have with me.
I'm currently grieving. I've never known how. Waves of emotion hit me when I look at the faces of my children, or when I feel how cold my wife has become. I can look at an old toy we had bought for the kids and remember when my wife and I had picked it out... and I cry. I haven't cried in a long time. 7 years give or take.
I thought I had time to fix things. I thought I would have one more night I could sleep in the same bed as my wife.
I hate my addiction. It's a disease that has ruined my life, and I know no matter how long I'm sober it will always be a part of me.
My hope is that by chronicling how my life is falling apart that I could help others avoid the same mistakes I have made. It will also help me practice something that I now realize is a weakness of mine: Telling the truth.
Even though I half expected it, I'm still reeling. It's something I never thought would happen in my life and the words that were spoken I never thought would come out of somebody I still love so dearly. We have two young children, ages 3 and 5, and their lives will be turned upside-down in the near future. It's the most gut-wrenching feeling knowing that their lives won't turn out the way either of us had planned, and at such an early age.
I bear all responsibility for the upcoming ending of our marriage. I have an unspoken addiction that has consumed my life, my thoughts, my emotions, my mind and my soul. My wife has known about the addiction for some time, and even though I have had periods of sobriety in the past, my failures have caused a complete and irreparable destruction of any trust that my wife has had, and could ever have with me.
I'm currently grieving. I've never known how. Waves of emotion hit me when I look at the faces of my children, or when I feel how cold my wife has become. I can look at an old toy we had bought for the kids and remember when my wife and I had picked it out... and I cry. I haven't cried in a long time. 7 years give or take.
I thought I had time to fix things. I thought I would have one more night I could sleep in the same bed as my wife.
I hate my addiction. It's a disease that has ruined my life, and I know no matter how long I'm sober it will always be a part of me.
My hope is that by chronicling how my life is falling apart that I could help others avoid the same mistakes I have made. It will also help me practice something that I now realize is a weakness of mine: Telling the truth.
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